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I can see the finish line. It is almost here. The last day of school – which means.. in our house we are midway through the last week of school…which means early June is the new late December.  I’m exhausted. If you have school aged kids, I know you feel me. If you have a baby or a soon to be baby, tuck this pearl of wisdom away for a later date – getting much done during the last week of school is quite the challenge. I’ll sum it up for you this way…Field Day x2, Multicultural Day (including my 84 year old awesome grandmother), teacher treats and cards, packing extra snacks, and towels, and sunscreen for outdoor fun, and managing lots of pieces of paper because one of our family’s feet are still in “school mode” and one in “summer mode.”  The straddle between the two seasons results in schedule adjustments for school, church, childcare, sports etc. Nap anyone?

With the end of the year festivities, I have spent quiet a few hours in the trenches with Kindergarten – 4th grade children this week (BLESS YOU dear teachers!). Volunteering at 2 recess periods and 2 field days has given me a unique look into what the average child’s play looks like after they leave my familiar world of infancy and toddlerhood.

My heart has been a bit broken by what I’ve observed. I have to say, it is one thing to talk to anyone who will listen until we are blue in the face about how play is changing and how the changes are affecting kids. It’s another thing to observe it.  Let me first be clear in saying I’m not talking about ALL kids, but about a startling trend I noticed. Ready for it? Kids don’t know how to play! Seems impossible, right? I mean, PLAY and CHILDREN go together like peanut butter and jelly. But I saw it with my own eyes.

Example #1: Kindergarten recess. Once every 30 seconds an adorable cutie patootie would walk, dragging their feet behind them towards me complaining of various ailments.

My back hurts.

My stomach hurts.

My finger hurts.

My nose hurts.

I hit my head.

He pushed me and I’m bleeding (no blood noticed).

I hit my chin. On the water fountain. Yesterday.

Recess is about 25 minutes. I bet I heard a similar complaint from at least 40 kids (some kids 2-3 times). All wanted to go to the nurse. So I went with one of them to observe because surely she must be handing out full candy bars. But no! She was not. Just a bandaid (if needed – which was only 1 kid) and occasionally some ice. I’d take them back to the playground and resume my people watching (or in this case kid watching) post, and would notice. They did nothing when they returned. No engaging with friends. No running. No hide and seek. No tag. No “playing house.” I wanted to scream, “Here Ye, Little people, 40% of our schools don’t give kids this beautiful opportunity you have in front of you. 25 minutes! With sunshine! And friends! And a fabulous playground! And balls! And jump ropes! And green grass! And YOUR CHOICE to do WHATEVER YOU WANT! GO PLAY!”

Next example Field Day. 2 different schools. Similar concept. Classes rotate between stations of games and activities. For Field Day #1,  I was leading a super fun game called “Drip, Drip, Splash,” a gloriously fun version of Duck, Duck, Goose, where the “it” person drips a full sponge on their classmates heads until they choose someone to drench with the water.  All was good until some one was drenched and then they didn’t know what to do. “Run!” we 30-40 year old adults yelled. “Where?” They questioned. Really? I’d say ~40% did not know how to play Duck, Duck, Goose.

Field Day #2. Similar situation with the game being a relay race. Otherwise known as “huh?” to 2nd and 3rd graders. We literally had to walk through the steps of tagging the next person in line and explaining that one line was racing another. At one point I looked at a teacher with exasperation and said, “they don’t know relay races.” She responded, “they don’t know how to play WITH EACH OTHER. They know how to play video games. And so when we put them on the playground, they often try to act out their video games, which often results in them getting in trouble for being violent. Or just standing around unsure of what to do.”

Free Play is a child’s opportunity to make their own decisions, create the rules, set the limits, and express themselves. It provides practice for personal communication, negotiation, compromise, and conflict resolution. It is the only opportunity that many of our overly scheduled children have to release pent up emotions and to regulate their sensory systems. It keeps their bodies fit and builds bone density. It is the best teacher of incidental learning. Simply put – it really is the JOB of children. Yes, PLAYING prepares little people to one day become big people.

Some of our little people aren’t prepared to do their job. The consequences are far greater than not knowing a familiar game or activity.   They can be life changing.

Want to do something wonderful as a parent with your child this summer? Teach them to play. Model games. Encourage choices. Go outside..with them..but encourage them in leading and decision making. You don’t have to spend all day outside being some sort of magical camp counselor. But choose a few of your favorite childhood games and activities and share with them..because you are sharing more than that game..you are sharing the ability to learn and develop in the most appropriate way possible.

We’ll get you started! My daughter’s gym teacher did such a wonderful job with fun outdoor games – many of them water related – that I took the list home with me to save for the “I’m bored” complaints I know I’ll soon hear (Thank you Mrs. Beard). I may even take the list to the beach with us.  Regardless of your child’s age, you can adapt these to include hours of fun and learning! Enjoy! Now “GO PLAY!”

Ice Cube Melt: Done as a relay race. Children are divided into two teams. First person grabs and ice cube from a bucket and rubs it between his/her hands until it melts or they can’t stand it any more and they choose to pass to the next friend in line. If the ice cube is dropped – the team starts over. First team to go through all members wins!

Over, Under, Over, Under: Another relay race with two teams. First person in each line grabs a wet sponge from the bucket and children alternate passing the sponge over their head and under their legs to the person behind them until it gets to the end of the line. Last person in line then heads to the front and starts again. First team to have each child finish a turn wins!

 

Beach Ball Drop: Relay again! This time children place a small beach ball between their knees and waddle across the yard to drop it in a box. They then pick it up and run back to hand to the next friend in line. First team done wins!

 

Noodle War: Think fencing with a big pool noodle. Children can only tap feet and legs and the first person to hit the other person’s foot is the winner!

Land or Sea: A relay race where a child must pick a water balloon from a bucket and run across the yard and sit on it in a chair until it pops! They then run back to the line to tag the next child. The first team to finish wins!

Catch the Fish: One child turns around backwards and throws water balloon “fish” over their head while their partner catches them in a small fishing net. Could be done as a relay or as a contest to count which partner team catches the most fish!

SOS Relay: Relay race where students take turns running with a cup to a bucket across the yard and filling the cup with water. The child then holds the cup (which can have small holes in it!) over their head and runs back to the starting point to dump the water into the bucket.  Each child has a turn until one team fills up their bucket and is declared the winner!

Bait the Fish: Relay Race where children scoop a golf ball from a pool and balance it on a spoon while walking/running to a turn around point and dropping it back into the pool when returning. First team to have everyone complete a turn wins! If the “fish” drops, the player must start over.

Drip, Drip, Splash: See explanation above. Just like Duck Duck Goose but with a dripping sponge over each head until the person chosen to be “it” is drenched!

 

Ahoy Matey: Can be done as a relay or with partners. One person sits in a chair with a 2 Liter bottle on their head. The other runs with a soaked sponge and wrings it out over the bottle (getting some water into the bottle and alot of water on their partner’s head!). Players then switch positions. Game will continue until one bottle is filled!

Beach Ball Carry – Children partner and play a relay race “carrying” a ball across the yard and back using anything BUT their hands.

 

What was your favorite childhood game? What did you learn from playing it?

Believe play is THE best way to learn from the very start? Get your copy of 1-2-3 Just Play With Me today!

 

This post is part of a blog project called the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project – to learn more or join, click HERE. Because we are a better together as 2 than alone as 1 here at Milestones & Miracles, we are each submitting an entry for this exciting opportunity! The project is part of a celebration kicking off the paperback release from one of our favorite authors, Glennon Doyle Melton from Momastery.  To check out the book that we love (and have given too many times to count as gifts: click HERE).

 

When I proudly walked into my first job as a Physical Therapist, I expected many things and most were as I expected…healing patients, increased motion, decreased pain and swelling, some blood, sweat, and tears, but most of the time, I saw progress. There was a lot of beautiful.

A few years later, I became a mom, and in the process I started adapting everything about myself (sleeping patterns, my new “scent”, my definition of the word “ok” (adj://state of being meaning everyone is fed, safe, and relatively clean), and my job. I began working as a Pediatric Physical Therapist in Early Intervention (no one older than 3 years old accepted) in the homes of families in West Virginia. This season of my life is where I began the true understanding of my messy, beautiful being.

Do you remember the first time you became a mother? Sometimes I felt there was a one-size-fits all approach to the oh-so-popular hot topics of sleeping, eating, toileting, child-care choices etc. Most of the time, I worried if I was choosing the correct answer on the new parent multiple-choice test. The rest of the time, as I left my little house cacoon and wondered into others homes, I wondered if they were making the right choices.  After ten years of mothering my own kids and helping other parents while they learn more about their own children, I know there are no one size fits all approach to parenting.  I know that we all have to show up and try our best. I know that we need each other so very much. And I know that it is the hardest and most rewarding job ever. It is truly messy and beautiful.

When I walked into a family’s house today, the mother said, “Please don’t mind my house it is so messy.”

I gave my standard reply, “I didn’t come here to see your clean house, I came here to love you and your baby.”

She’s a foster mother loving and learning about a child whose mother likely used drugs and alcohol during pregnancy and who shakes like a leaf when we try to simply move her around. I never saw a messy house. I never saw a “messy” family. I just saw the beauty.

So many of the families that my business partner and best friend are privileged to work alongside show us the beautiful. The ironic thing is that we are sent to these homes to teach their families how to help their babies learn to walk or talk, yet in the process we end up learning so much more.  Being in someone’s house is messy. Sitting on floors and holding snotty, slobbery babies is literally messy. There have been times I have literally had to move animals or piles of Cheetos to make a small space to sit!  And then there was this a few weeks ago.

But, being invited into someone’s home weekly is a big deal. No one can hide laundry, or pet hair, or tricky family relationships, or financial hardships, or worst fears and biggest hopes forever. Eventually we get in – not just to the home but also to the heart. It’s a huge amount of trust to take and a huge amount to receive. We don’t take it lightly and often the miracles of our lives come out of it.

Meet Emily. Sweet Emily. When I met her, she was blind. Her parents were told she did not develop much of a brain in utero and that they should consider abortion, which was not an option for them. They got brave real fast and made the decision to donate her organs shortly after birth. Except…Emily lived. She had surgeries, and long hospitals stays, and too many predictions of “she won’t do this” to count.

 

I remember shining a light in her eyes and moving my finger towards her nose with no response at all. Not a blink.   Her mother’s initial goal was to help her get enough control of her head to nurse or take a bottle safely. It was a relatively small goal for most, but for Emily (and her new and nervous PT) it was Mount Everest.

Days turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months. Months to turned to years. Emily slowly progressed. Each “inch”stone forward was something huge to celebrate.

Emily was learning to see light, roll to her side, babble.

I was learning that hope was the spark to all good things starting.

 

Emily was learning to respond to her sister’s voice by giggling, to suck a bottle, to hold her parent’s fingers.

I was learning that family is the safe place where we all start to get brave and start to take chances.

 

Emily was learning to roll, and pick up toys, and call her Mom when she needed help.

I was learning to call on someone greater than I when I felt weak or challenged.

 

Emily was recognizing familiar people in her community, who helped watch her when her parents needed a break, and sharing meals, and sitting tall.

I was learning that relationships – with my husband and my friends keep me happy and honest and real…and they need to be fostered with time invested.

 

Emily was trusting her parents to not let her fall at first…and then to learn to fall safely.

I was learning to take chances and learn from mistakes.

 

Emily was learning to walk with a walker and recite bible verses and see people 30 feet away.

I was learning that nothing is impossible with God, and love, and patience, and trust.

 

Emily’s doctors repetitively said to her parents, “I have no explanation for what she is doing. Medically, this should not be happening.”  When Emily turned 3 and started preschool (and working with a new therapist), before I fell in to my post-Emily funk, her mother gave me a collage that included a picture of her brain CAT Scan at birth and at 1 and 2 years old.

Underneath were the words, “Thank you for being part of the miracles that is me.”

 

People: Love doesn’t just win. Love changes things – big time!  Love changes brains. Brains that people have for the next 90 plus years! Love pushes miracles along. Love turns the mess into beauty.

These images sit in my office and 3 years later, I still can’t look at it or say those words without crying. Yes, it is beyond kind that her family graciously recognized my efforts as her therapist, but that is not why my tears fall. My tears fall because Emily’s family took what most people would regard as messy – a child with extremely expected limitations, obstacles that most would see as to much to even try to overcome, family life infused with doctors and therapies and big decisions, stresses to family relationships – and they SHINED and showed the world the beautiful. Their beautiful. They showed me the beautiful too.

The laundry wasn’t always folded. The emotions were not always calm, cool, and collected. It was rarely easy. The answer wasn’t always readily there. But the beautiful was. It never left – not for a second.

Being a mom and being a therapist is my calling. I know this. Mothering alongside other mothers is my joy. Being in their homes in not sterile or structured or easily predictable. I’ve learned to be part PT and part counselor, friend, and fellow crisis manager. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It is THE reason that my bestie and I created Milestones & Miracles. We wanted to share our therapy lives and the support that our “Mommy Posse” gave us with the world – to let others know what we have learned.  Messy makes life beautiful.

Out of my daily messiness, I see the beautiful. I learn more about what really matters and more about myself. At the end of some days, when I fall into bed exhausted and overwhelmed, when I’ve fed my kids cereal for dinner (again) and have felt guilty from ignoring them for work, or drug them to another meeting,  I laugh and think to myself, “God, please don’t mind my messy life.”  Through the example of Emily’s family and so many others, I can easily fall asleep knowing he replies, “I didn’t come here to see your clean life. I came here to love you and your babies.”

To see a video of Emily and her brave sister singing about LOVE – click Live Love.

So I experience guilt ALL the time…I’m talking like every single day.  I don’t feel guilty about not doing the dishes or skipping out on some work that needs done, but I always ALWAYS feel guilty about my shortcomings as a mother.  I am indeed my worst critic when it comes to how well I am raising my kids.  I make mistakes, rake myself over the coals, make myself pay and then go to bed feeling defeated, disappointed and sad.  My whole life I have been told that I am too sensitive, a soft-hearted person who needs to just, well…TOUGHEN UP!  But mothering is the most important job of my life.  I can’t screw this up, because if I do I’m not only screwing it up for myself but my negligence trickles down to others.  Others who happen to be innocent victims who deserve better.

 

Typically my guilt is over yelling too much in a day, for things like running late, which is not my 8, 5 or 1 year olds fault, ever.  It is clearly my fault because they depend on me to keep them on time and I am always NOT on time.  Or I feel guilty for not playing with them enough.  Which is probably something I shouldn’t be admitting because clearly I understand the complete importance of PLAYING with my kids, but some days work, email, social media, a new magazine, Say Yes to the Dress, they all just get in the way of me getting on the floor.  Other days the guilt comes from less frequent events that just pop up.  One of those times happened not long ago.

 

As I have mentioned before my second child, Big O, has taught me A LOT in his short 5 years of existence.  You can read more about that HERE, but briefly over the past year we have implemented new behavior strategies, put our family on an entirely new diet (with much success) and linked up with one of my favorite occupational therapists who recommended a brushing program.  Just quickly, in case you aren’t familiar, Big O is a sensory seeker.  I never noticed any sensory issues until after his baby sister was born.  He loved her and was so proud to be a big brother.  He enjoyed holding her and loved touching her soft skin.  In fact he loved touching her soft skin a little too much.  He would rub her cheeks and ears ALL the time!  So much so we began disciplining him for it because he WOULD NOT STOP!  But after several months of discipline I began to realize that this maybe was something that O just couldn’t help.  He began to tell me, when I asked why he wanted to rub her face so much, “She’s just so soft!”  Some other things started coming together in the sensory awareness world as well:  O often wanted to rub the inside of my arm when sitting next to me on the couch, he had a very difficult time at school sitting in circle time, constantly moving and reaching out to touch the friend next to him, he would also put his arms inside his shirt to rub his own belly.  And the one thing that could make O stop dead in his tracks was a back scratching, the boy loves a good back scratchin’!  He loved the sensory input that was provided through skin to skin contact.  It took me a while, but I finally came to the realization that no amount of discipline or bribery could stop him from seeking out these behaviors.  Again, something in his little brain caused him to crave this input and he could not stop himself.  So in following our OT’s recommendation we began (literally) brushing him with a little plastic brush to satisfy the sensory input he craved so that he didn’t seek it out in other ways.  The program helped, tremendously!  So over the past couple of months I had begun to wean him off of the brushing.  He seemed to be handling it okay and if I saw some sensory behaviors pop up, I would just revisit the brushing program once or twice and he would be back on track.  Well over the past few weeks the signs have been there; he has been more touchy-feely with his sisters, pulling his arms inside his shirt and putting little things in his mouth and even though I knew the signs, I ignored them.

 

So fast forward to a few weeks ago at Ninja class.  Big O has been loving his ninja class and successfully participating which brings me great joy!  But this particular day he had difficulty keeping his hands to himself, touching and teasing another student during class, which clearly isn’t acceptable behavior.  Sensei called Big O out during class, giving him a verbal warning that if he couldn’t keep his hands to himself he was going to have to sit out.  At the end of class he made Big O stay after so that he could further discuss (and scold) him, letting him know how disappointed he was in Big O’s behavior as one of the veterans in the class and how he expected more of him.  Big O handled the disciplinary action well, he argued a bit, but Sensei put a quick end to that and Big O just listened and agreed to try better in the future.

 

As I sat there and listened the guilt was like a load of bricks on my shoulders.  I felt my posture drop as I endured the scolding as if it were my own.  Would Big O maybe have been able to hold it together in class better if I had been implementing his sensory strategies at home, was he just touching those kids b/c he was seeking some sensory input that could’ve easily been quenched with the brushing program that I had become too lazy to do?  When Sensei was talking to him I wanted to shout out, “But he has a sensory seeking disorder, he can’t help it sometimes, he just HAS to touch!”  “It’s my fault, I’m the one who should have to sit in time out next class, not Big O!”  No guilt is as great as that in which you know exactly what you could’ve done to avoid your child’s humiliation.  Wow, I had hit a mommy low.

 

That night we started the brushing program back up.  And I started processing what had happened earlier in the day.  You know it’s hard to always be “ON”, I thought:  on with is diet, on with his brushing program, on with the behavior strategies.  I’m not always going to be there, hovering over him to rescue him from whatever the world throws his way; it’s unfortunate, but it’s reality.  The world won’t cater to him the way I do…maybe it was okay that “O” suffered some natural consequences for his behavior today.  After all he handled it all quite well.

 

Unfortunately our generation of parents has allowed society to place enormous pressure upon us to be EVERYthing for our kids.  So much so that it sometimes handicaps our kids from helping themselves.  It can sometimes prevent them from using the tools we are trying to teach them to be independent.

 

You know that saying about using your superpower for good or for evil?  As a mother I think it’s our job to help our children learn to use their unique superpowers for good.  O’s superpower is his strong will.  If I succeed in helping him learn to use if for good, then maybe, just maybe one day we will address him as Mr. President, Big “O”!  (a momma can dream, right?!)  Parenting him and my two girls is an ongoing and fluid job.  Sometimes I feel like I should or could do more to help them.  Regardless of my self-assessment of the most important job I’ll ever have, it’s my job to make them be independent using the attributes that uniquely make them them!  That day in ninja class my initial reaction was guilt.  But after some reflection I realized a year ago O could not even participate in a group activity successfully with peers.  He rarely could do those things with me, at home, without frustration.  Even though he needed scolded and corrected, and even though I felt somewhat responsible for that, he used his superpower for GOOD that day!  He was able to apply the strategies we’ve been working on at home, with me by his side, all by himself.  He not only took the class but was able to take constructive criticism well.  He may not have liked it but it no longer prevented him from participating or wanting to return to class.   And at the end of the day that meant we both did our jobs well!  Weight lifted, posture restored…keep mothering on!

 

 

Want to learn more about Sensory Processing Disorder?  Nicole wrote a fantastic blog explaining what it is and how to know if your child may be struggling with processing their world.  Read more HERE.